Self review

When people tell you they changed, for the better, or otherwise, you always know they did a self review. Well, that`s how I call it and I`m probably having one now. I, Shahrul Sufian, have been going through some confrontations with different people and I`ve realised something, there`s a fuc*ing variety of human beings here.

However, I`m not convinced my eyes are open fully. I believe what I`ve found out somehow is just a dot on this huge map of life. A holiday from books and writings made me fucking realise how much I`ve left out about meeting people and socializing. I`ve lost or probably never had the skill of persuasion or changing views. I`ve realised that I`ve been too high up with statistics of my own until I have forgot the responsibility of making people believe. I know it sounds too `high` for a 14 year old kid but I lost it. In this life, I believe there is no point of living if I don`t make a difference. A proper change to probably society or a system. I may not have the spades and brains to do that but I do have the heart.

I`ve also learned that people, whoever they might be, are there criticising/complimenting you. It`s never about you only. Views, opinions get thrown around behind or even right in front of you. What I`ve been trying to learn is to accept these `challenges`. What I do is always commented on, always watched. It`s not about a realisation of being in the spotlight, but it`s a realization about how liberal and free everyone is now. Everything you did/might do can always be questioned.

Society for me, is the most vital part of life in this erm ( I`m afraid of using the word `country` as it`s a big word, but what the heck :D). I think, if one must live in a society, the actions that happen between them must be looked after and if in need, improved. For example, what is a boy my age supposed to do now? I don`t know the answer, because nobody is telling/showing me how. I know I may sound like I`m blaming this on everyone else so let me assure you that this IS an excuse but I do find it as a reason too. When society fuc*s up, when crime and fights bla bla happen, I think its not only up to the cops or doers to be responsible for the stuff people do. I think every household, every mum, every dad, should come to the realization that everyone is responsible for everyone. I think that is the key to a more erm, orderly and ( I took this from the text books) `peaceful` life in society. but I`m still just a kid, ideas change. bear that in mind. hehe.

As I sit in my room and have my quiet moments, I have to admit I`ve been going through a loophole of thoughts. I`ve been trying to think why am I thinking and why not don`t think. I`ve been trying to shrug off these thoughts, thoughts of getting better, thoughts of achieving a goal that I have no idea about. I`ve been thinking of how am I supposed to shoot up through the ranks, I`ve been thinking about what people say about me, I`ve been trying to keep my determination and `rebelliosism` at average. One reason I`ve been bombarded by these thoughts is obvously because I have nothing to do, but the main reason is, like I said previously, the realization of wtf am I supposed to next in life. I`ve always thought, `oh, get ur good grades and u get a good life.` Now things have changed, brains have been squeezed, and hence the sudden need of blogging. haha.

When it comes to Shahrul being in love, it means armageddon. haha im just kidding, but erm let`s face it, this...feeling, this...wonderful disturbance, gotta be love man! haha sorry for erm crapping about BUT my point is, probably I`ve reached the age or maturity to realize (again) about this love thingy has actually put an extra erm..I wouldn`t say a burden but probably a responsibility on my shoulders. and with this responsibility, it seriously (indirectly) helped me understand how am I suppose to take care of not only one`s feelings but many.

This is all I have to say for now. Before I leave, I understand if my opinions may sound stupid or wrong in terms of facts, but I hope the message is crossed. Let me know what you feel by commenting if u got the time. thanks. take care.

A new leaf

As I when thru my previous posts, I may sound maybe too desperate to prove that I`m different now, but erm, I guess I had nothing better to write about, haha. So, erm, my exam`s over and I`m bored, so I turn to blogspot. Basically, I just wanna write about things that I`ve gone thru thus far and erm, probably some of the experiences,ameliorations?is that the word? haha.

So, stuff have been alright, been studying alot lately up to now, where I find myself with absolutely nothing to do, nothing at all. This is where I started reading. I know this may have happened to every student out there but I think this reading thing is a new sort of chapter or discovery of myself. My reading materials are just basic books such as..erm..ceritalah-Karim Raslan, The Malay Dilemma-Mahathir, some thrillers, Rose Red, Crickley Hall, and the Speaking dead (haha). I know novels can`t really open eyes, but I started having this rush to read more and more, it`s not about the book, truthfully, its about the determinationn to learn, I know it may sound cocky, but this is the first time I`ve ever felt the need of expanding my knowledge, the need of knowing something out of my text books, just learning something new la, I guess.

I`ve also started realising about myself erm, in the next few years. I`m leaving school in 2 years and I honestly have no idea what am I suppose to expect, experiences, meetings. Once I realised I`m nothing out there, I immediately panicked, honestly. haha..I realised it was not all about studying, getting good grades and im outta here n get a job n marry n have a family. I have to do something, I have to perform actions that will maybe change society for the better. MAYBE. haha..When I look around at people nowadays, I keep wondering, have they thought what I`m thinking now? Have they ever started to worry of what were to happen to themselves? So, after many discussions, ponderings, I`ve decided to...............enter politics. hahaha its not final but..I do get the rush to be one.

Other than that, I would like to be open about my relationship with a girl, erm, I believe these realisations have come parallel with the feelings I have for her. I admit, I do come weak with her and while I go on this path with a partner, I do tend to appreciate things as they happen. Well, the point is, with her, life seems ( without sounding erm, cute,haha) to pass on well.

So, thats an update. Will get back to you soon, take care.

Clueless by the second

My fears are comfirmed , I`ve been
cracking and now I`m broken, This is
where everything I did is wasted, gone
like crushed crumbs of what was a
cracker. All the challenges, mentally
and physically, has been done for
nothing. Irony too didn`t prove too
late to prevail.

I fell, I can get up, but I realised
that I`m in a deep dark hole, but the
entrance is high up above me. I`m still
finding a way, I really really miss her,
and her absence left a permanent mark on
me. Cuts can be cured, water can dry up,
but the thought can never be erased.

I`m trying my best not to think about
it, but the skin on my face feels so
tight, I broke down again today, I`m
still praying for it to stop, I`m
screaming silently for the pain to just
stop, I ask myself whether this effect
will really wear off, people tell me to
feel feelings that are impossible to
even dream of, sometimes there are glints
of hope, but they just dissappear like
that, so cruelly and mockingly.

Yes, stats are true, but this is how I
feel deep down inside, as deep as you
can imagine, this is the pain that I
constantly feel but you don`t, this is
the screaming infant, sometimes sulking
and then screaming his eyes out and
somehow by the way of nature, the only
was is to just...kill him off.


Yours Truly,

Shahrul Sufian

Kings of Leon

Last night, was arguably, the best night of my life. No, its not booze, its not girls, instead is fucking Kings Of Leon! I`m in Manchester now, and Ive been enjoying my stay eventhough its only the 3rd day of a 21 days vacation.. Let me tell you about my journey here before I start bursting about last night.

My parents and me left Malaysia on the 8th of December, in other words, the midnight of 7 Dec. We took the Emirates Airline and after a sad goodbye to ******, we boarded the plane and took off. We reached Dubai about 7 pm ( malaysian time), and we had to rest there waiting for our transfer straight to Manchester. It was obviously very tiring and the airport was packed. So after my `breakfast` I was on the manchester, the airline had good entertainment, I was laughing my head off when Homer did the spiderpig ting. It was hillarious!

So, we reached Manchester about 1 pm ( manc time ), and my brother took us back to his house, a typical students` house, very cosy. So after that when for dinner bla bla bla..
Now let`s get to the fun part! Last night, about 9 pm me and my brother went to the Gmex..It was not exactly a auditorium, but it was big and the stage was awesome. So we waited for the supporting band to finish, and we moved forward. After shouting Kings Of Leon a billion times, they finally came out. I heard the biggest roar of my life, there were about 3000 ppl there?I`m not quite sure.

They opened the concert with a couple of songs from their newest album, `Because Of the Times` it was amazing, everyone was screaming, everything was perfect not to mention the drunken idiot behind me. People were throwing beers all over the place. I had one straight in my face, but when you`re in front of considerably the best band in the world, you don`t and you won`t seem to care.

My best track of the night was Molly`s Chambers a classic. I immediately jumped when I knew it was this song. The magic of this concert was how original it sounded..Sound system was beyond perfect but the way they make people in a state of I don`t know..haha..it was great, it really was. I was very tired in the middle of the concert but thank god they played some slow songs at that time, and I got to rest a while.

So when the set finished, all of us screamed for them to come out, and they did, and they finished it with one of my favourites, CHARMER. We were screaming our throats out.. I really enjoyed myself, and the magic doesn`t stop there, when we were going out, I met TOMASS GRAVESEN! DEFENSIVE MIDFIELDER OF EVERTON FOOTBALL CLUB! My bro did all the talking, I was just there looking at him in awe. A football player in a concert? I don`t hear that now and then, he was clean cut and he shook my hand! It was great..

Now i`m gonna have my breakfast its 9 pm here, and it`s considerably cold, and I love it! You can`t take out the thrash without wearing a jacket. Today we might be going for a tour at old trafford. So from here on, I wish you guys a happy holiday, and whatever you do, be yourself, question the rules sometimes.

And to you, yes you, take care ya, I know you`re not in M`sia now, so if you`re reading this, i`m ok, and thinking whether you`re ok, send me an email or something, just wanna know you`re ok, but enjoy yourself! like I did last night!hehe, alrite..so long.


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Teenagers

No, I`m not talking about that song from that crap chemical band. I`m talking about teenagers today. Eat this man. Listen to what I gotta say. When you`re 13 or 14, you`re a teenager. You guys should know about this. The thing about some of them these days, is they`re becoming too materialistic ( thanks akak mai ). My question here is, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THEM. I have to remind you, I`m not writing this because I simply saw it today and gotta write it today. I mean look around, what do you see? What principles do they have? This has been a question that been ringing in my head. The don`t give two fuc*s about their future. Money is all they need. What`s education to them? What are books to them?

Being rebellious is a normal thing. Rebellious towards their parents, teachers, or whatever. It`s normal. I`m a rebel. But I do have my lending ears. There`s never `the one`, you`re always `one of them`, its only how you shine `from them`. You are god`s creation, not another boring soul from the above. I got really pissed when someone told me that he`s the fuc*ing only person that can actually win any debate with anyone even god. You may be a bigshot in town, but you may be a tiny little ant in the city. Like what my brother told me, `Don`t be a big fish in a small pond, be a big fish in the ocean`. I`m not such a holy person, but if you ever question yourself about how you ended up in this world, remember, there is always an answer.

A very common attitude about teenagers these days is this `hatred` they have against their parents. They hate them, not dislike them. You may have heard this from your old granny`s mouth but as usual, the old hags are always right: Without your parents, you think you`ll be here ah? Parents, most of them, love us. I know you might be saying this now, ` Fuc* you parent loving *%$*!But come on, it`s a fact right? It was hard for me to swallow too. It`s either their nature or god knows what. But they do care about you. You may disagree with them, but its either they don`t quite understand you or maybe you`re just plain wrong. It`s either two of that. Believe me, I have heard people saying shit about their parents. Stuff you wouldn`t think that would be coming out from someone`s child`s mouth.

The next thing is about friends. Peer pressure. The enormity of you mixing with the wrong kind of guys is undescribeable. They tend to be `cool`. Well, maybe they `try to be` cool. They tend to be `mature`. Look around, 12 year olds smoking their eyes off? I mean, if you smoke because you think you wanna smoke and have some fun, its alrite, but if you smoke cause you need to, what the fuc*? Fuc* the influences but don`t tell me you`re that stupid to actually do stuff at people`s will. You`re being a slave.

I guess I better stop now, gotta go off to bed. I hope what I said today will tighten some loose screws in your head. You don`t need to look like what you wanna be, Be what you wanna be. Ironically, I was one of them.

Red epic

I`ve always wanted to be in a band since I was a kid, it was a dream that I thought couldn`t be true. I`ve always had a second thought about it though, after seeing what happened to hendrix and kurt. My musical learning process started off with piano, it was sort of compulsary and what old aunts would say `a wasted chance` since my mum was a piano teacher. It started quite well, was into it until the 1st grade. Then my UPSR came up and I couldn`t cope with it as I usually took about an hour to satisfy myself that I`ve learned enough. I was a hot-tempered pianist, if you like, I would bang keys and drive the neighbours mad if I missed a key or a beat. But the best feeling I can ever get from learning musical instruments is when I get to compose a song, well sorta rocky and bluey, but it was nice, to actually know you can make a song. I still remember the first song I `composed` on the piano, it was a song that would be 100% rejected by pros cause I can bet that every technic that I did on that song was wrong. But it sounded nice, it doesn`t have to look nice, but it needs to sound nice. You can act like your playing with your feet, but what was the use if you just banged the keys? Get my point?

When I was about 11, I quit piano, I told my mum it was boring, boring and boring. Its a fact of me, I`m not a classical guy. She then recommended me with pop piano, it sounded the same to me. My brother was quite obsessed with guitars, owning about 4 acoustics and a electric guitar. The only chord that I saw my brother used a lot of times were the power chords, so after my UPSR, I started playing the guitar, well just using the power chords of course. I made up a lot of songs with it but I was quite sick of just grunge sounds, I needed some blues and hen burst the chorus with a few power chords, that was how I wanted to be. So after many many beggings and pleadings, my parents sent me for guitar lessons. I have a good teacher and he really taught me stuff man, seriously.

So I find myself now after a year of lessons and I can say, I`m quite good. Well, not really, but you know, OK. I met this guy at the place I do my lessons, He was drumming. I was kinda impressed, but I didn`t say anything to him at that time. After a couple of times seeing him around the store, I said hi. I jammed with him, using an acoustic. We couldn`t barely hear anything else but drum beats. But I smiled, I really did, I could hear my guitar and his beats. There was something. There was.

So everytime after lessons, we would jam, and we made up a couple of songs already. We`re just 14 but fuck it man, start young. We named our band, Red Epic. It was a sudden rush in my mind, I wanted to be `epic` what word that goes with epic? I thought of colours, and yeah, red was good. He thought it was cool, so we started. Now we got a demo, a good one. The teachers at my place were real impressed. I`ll try to get one of our tracks in here for you guys to listen to. Remember, listen unimpressed, GET YOURSELF impressed. That`s the way it is.

Greetings

Hello,

I`m new, I`ve been blogging for a while. Been doing it in friendster a couple of years back, but those posts were nothing but boring notes\paragraphs of thoughtless..what`s the word..oh yeah, crap. The blogs there were `nothing` compared to blogspot. I`ve been planning to blog for quite some time but I guess I couldn`t really drop a finger on the keyboard before my exams, I did quite ok in them, well, the best I`ve ever done, jumped quite a lot places, and yeah, I could say I didn`t do that bad.

There`s nothing much about me, I can say that I`m a typical mixed-race guy ( Malay,Chinese ) and loves music, I have an organ that amplifies my love for music everytime I listen, I think its called ears. Favourite bands are Nirvana ( loved them since I was a kid ), Rage Against The Machine, Pearl Jam, and maybe a bit of SLIPKNOT BABY! haha.. But no one, yes, no one, can match the heavenly sounds of Led Zeppelin, having a phase or none, this band, is the father of all bands.

I go to school, maybe about 4 km from my place? Good school, at least we have a few disciplinary cases, better some than none, you would question yourself are you in the right place when you step into a school so `holy` or perfect. Believe me I`ve experienced that when I go to Methodist schools, Private holy shit private schools. I don`t like classifying them, but I`m just gonna go with `people who I don`t think knows what the hell is outside their nutshell`.

Parents: Alright, Maybe sometimes gets pissed off with them, but c`mon, do you guys actually believe about ` cool parents`? Maybe not in this generation though. But sometimes, yes sometimes they can be loving, example like when they got my G1X EFFECTS PEDAL YEAH! haha..

I got a brother, currently in Manchester, was found by a football scout who came here to check the malaysian young boys, haha nah..he`s studying..My main influence.

I got a girlfriend, name`s Jessica, Jessica who? oh, Jessica Alba. haha..kidding..I`ll be lucky, but lets close the topic..shushhhh..haha..whoever she is, I`m not exaggerating, believe me, one of the humans in this world that actually care for you, not caring by loving, no, but someone who can pull you out from a rough patch, you know? There are two type of girlfriends in this world, well for me, girls who wants you to be with them, and girls who care for you, the type who wouldn`t really mind if you`re not together with her but would mind if you break a nail. She`s the nail caring one. :)

Alright guys, I`m off to bed, been another boring day, hope tomorrow god would give me one of his treats. See you later.


Always a rebel




I`m your renegade.

Shahrul