Friday, October 24, 2008

Self review

When people tell you they changed, for the better, or otherwise, you always know they did a self review. Well, that`s how I call it and I`m probably having one now. I, Shahrul Sufian, have been going through some confrontations with different people and I`ve realised something, there`s a fuc*ing variety of human beings here.

However, I`m not convinced my eyes are open fully. I believe what I`ve found out somehow is just a dot on this huge map of life. A holiday from books and writings made me fucking realise how much I`ve left out about meeting people and socializing. I`ve lost or probably never had the skill of persuasion or changing views. I`ve realised that I`ve been too high up with statistics of my own until I have forgot the responsibility of making people believe. I know it sounds too `high` for a 14 year old kid but I lost it. In this life, I believe there is no point of living if I don`t make a difference. A proper change to probably society or a system. I may not have the spades and brains to do that but I do have the heart.

I`ve also learned that people, whoever they might be, are there criticising/complimenting you. It`s never about you only. Views, opinions get thrown around behind or even right in front of you. What I`ve been trying to learn is to accept these `challenges`. What I do is always commented on, always watched. It`s not about a realisation of being in the spotlight, but it`s a realization about how liberal and free everyone is now. Everything you did/might do can always be questioned.

Society for me, is the most vital part of life in this erm ( I`m afraid of using the word `country` as it`s a big word, but what the heck :D). I think, if one must live in a society, the actions that happen between them must be looked after and if in need, improved. For example, what is a boy my age supposed to do now? I don`t know the answer, because nobody is telling/showing me how. I know I may sound like I`m blaming this on everyone else so let me assure you that this IS an excuse but I do find it as a reason too. When society fuc*s up, when crime and fights bla bla happen, I think its not only up to the cops or doers to be responsible for the stuff people do. I think every household, every mum, every dad, should come to the realization that everyone is responsible for everyone. I think that is the key to a more erm, orderly and ( I took this from the text books) `peaceful` life in society. but I`m still just a kid, ideas change. bear that in mind. hehe.

As I sit in my room and have my quiet moments, I have to admit I`ve been going through a loophole of thoughts. I`ve been trying to think why am I thinking and why not don`t think. I`ve been trying to shrug off these thoughts, thoughts of getting better, thoughts of achieving a goal that I have no idea about. I`ve been thinking of how am I supposed to shoot up through the ranks, I`ve been thinking about what people say about me, I`ve been trying to keep my determination and `rebelliosism` at average. One reason I`ve been bombarded by these thoughts is obvously because I have nothing to do, but the main reason is, like I said previously, the realization of wtf am I supposed to next in life. I`ve always thought, `oh, get ur good grades and u get a good life.` Now things have changed, brains have been squeezed, and hence the sudden need of blogging. haha.

When it comes to Shahrul being in love, it means armageddon. haha im just kidding, but erm let`s face it, this...feeling, this...wonderful disturbance, gotta be love man! haha sorry for erm crapping about BUT my point is, probably I`ve reached the age or maturity to realize (again) about this love thingy has actually put an extra erm..I wouldn`t say a burden but probably a responsibility on my shoulders. and with this responsibility, it seriously (indirectly) helped me understand how am I suppose to take care of not only one`s feelings but many.

This is all I have to say for now. Before I leave, I understand if my opinions may sound stupid or wrong in terms of facts, but I hope the message is crossed. Let me know what you feel by commenting if u got the time. thanks. take care.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

A new leaf

As I when thru my previous posts, I may sound maybe too desperate to prove that I`m different now, but erm, I guess I had nothing better to write about, haha. So, erm, my exam`s over and I`m bored, so I turn to blogspot. Basically, I just wanna write about things that I`ve gone thru thus far and erm, probably some of the experiences,ameliorations?is that the word? haha.

So, stuff have been alright, been studying alot lately up to now, where I find myself with absolutely nothing to do, nothing at all. This is where I started reading. I know this may have happened to every student out there but I think this reading thing is a new sort of chapter or discovery of myself. My reading materials are just basic books such as..erm..ceritalah-Karim Raslan, The Malay Dilemma-Mahathir, some thrillers, Rose Red, Crickley Hall, and the Speaking dead (haha). I know novels can`t really open eyes, but I started having this rush to read more and more, it`s not about the book, truthfully, its about the determinationn to learn, I know it may sound cocky, but this is the first time I`ve ever felt the need of expanding my knowledge, the need of knowing something out of my text books, just learning something new la, I guess.

I`ve also started realising about myself erm, in the next few years. I`m leaving school in 2 years and I honestly have no idea what am I suppose to expect, experiences, meetings. Once I realised I`m nothing out there, I immediately panicked, honestly. haha..I realised it was not all about studying, getting good grades and im outta here n get a job n marry n have a family. I have to do something, I have to perform actions that will maybe change society for the better. MAYBE. haha..When I look around at people nowadays, I keep wondering, have they thought what I`m thinking now? Have they ever started to worry of what were to happen to themselves? So, after many discussions, ponderings, I`ve decided to...............enter politics. hahaha its not final but..I do get the rush to be one.

Other than that, I would like to be open about my relationship with a girl, erm, I believe these realisations have come parallel with the feelings I have for her. I admit, I do come weak with her and while I go on this path with a partner, I do tend to appreciate things as they happen. Well, the point is, with her, life seems ( without sounding erm, cute,haha) to pass on well.

So, thats an update. Will get back to you soon, take care.