Back at the reins of a horse

I`m back after a certain time of having, I admit, if I could call it, writer`s block. :) I`ve been thinking and reflecting a certain amount of things I can afford to. But in the end, after 2 weeks in Australia, and a quite motivating `push up` by my teacher, I can`t seem to go on without putting my piece of mind here.

Today, I`m gonna talk about something which should turn a few heads, ( I Hope ). I`m gonna talk about `Kuala Lumpur`s Malays`. I stress on Kuala Lumpur as I believe I only can do an article based on my local people as I never actually spent enough time in other states of this country. Before I start, I have to admit to you about the sea of guilt that I find myself in before abling to have the guts to write about my race, half-race I mean. I`m scared I do leave a point or misinterpret anything that has to do with these guys, but anyway, someone`s gotta take up the `small kid trying to think big` job.

Before anything, let me tell you I have been referring to a number of sources, not only based on my eyes and brains. Books like Ceritalah- Karim Raslan and The Malay Dilemma helped me at least, AT LEAST have some confidence in talking about these folks,haha..wow..I am sounding nervous huh..:p ok, you see, Malays have existed in this country we call Malaysia since Srivijayan times, during the 5th century. But skip the history, we`re talking about modern tomyam crazy rocking Malays here in Kuala Lumpur. As we all know, Malays have always been connected to the term `mat rempit`. So, let`s talk about it. Let me tell you first and foremost, yes, I do believe they are a nuisance to society. But, I also do want everyone reading this to notice the troubles if not sufferings they have to go through. Firstly, imagine this. You wake up in themorning in your four wall bedroom and your stuff strewn all over the place. Your parents are working and ask you to help babysit your brother. Your studies aren`t that good as you can`t afford your books. Your parents can`t seem to care less as they need to keep bread on the table. You`ve got friends, yes you`ve got them, but you have a clique. This clique happens to be the most happening of them all.

This clique has motorcycles,tight jeans and huge huge shades, and its their trend. it is. So to you, what the heck, I`ve got no life, My parents don`t give a shit, why not be one of them? remember, you have no commitment. Your studies are not good. and you don`t try to make it any better. Mat rempit sounds like a good option right? So, you tend to meet up with new gangs and new `bosses` or `dons`. You help them deliver stuff you never allowed to look at. You get caught by the cops and in a blur, you spend a few years locked up. That is what a mat rempit, well a hardcore mat rempit does. So, in order for the people to change their perspective on these poor little guys, we have to understand how much this `status` mean to them. We have to understand that society, the education system do not bring any effect on them. When they get caught in crimes, most of them don`t know the conseqences of getting into drugs, vice and stuff. Yes, some don`t even bother to but you have to understand the lack of understanding they have in their minds. The confusion, the inability to understand right and wrong.

Let`s face it, they are a pain in the neck. If you ask a chinese woman selling soya drinks at the roadside, she would say stuff about them everything from an orang utan to `pergi mati lagi baik` ( better to go and die ). So, what they need to understand now is vital for society. Many malays have fallen victim to angered glances and pathetic grunts when they are definitely not `mat rempits`. So people, please. Understand for a moment that we all need to be in this together. We can`t blame a certain race or population for the bad things we go through. The government, has to talk to these people face to face, reluctantly or not. Try to give what they need, not only what they want. These are words of a 15 year old boy, remember that. haha.

I`m sorry I`m not able to blog much further, A big one about Australia will be coming up. This is or should be your appetizer, :p take care

Sudden thoughts

I`ve been going through a phase of annoying if not irritating thoughts. I`ve been thinking and learning from what people have to say about: let`s face it, me. :) Compliments, criticism have been splattered on my face without second thoughts. Maybe I`m famous that`s why this happens, that`s the way I would love to think about it, ;) but nevertheless, let`s check it out.

You see, some have been shocked about me blogging and `thinking deeply`. Some believe that what I should be writing is about my daily activities, when I bath, where I hang out, what I bought, what service I get when I shop. Well, I`m sorry to disappoint you as I believe I should be using my blog the way I want to. I believe what I ponder about is to be typed here, not stuff that I do. I understand some of you might be wondering why the heck am I blowing my top here, but I think some might just get the message.

Some even question my personality, question my thoughts, call them cold and flat. I personally think that no one has just only one character. Of course, there are things such as public images and quiet moments. Your perfect politician might just be hitting his kids at home. Your perfect teacher might just be smoking some weed. Your perfect sweet little girlfriend might be a satanist. If these things are possible, why not think about it? Look in your mirror, you have your quiet moments, you have your dark thoughts, you have moments when you believe something so ridiculous till you`re blinded by your own sanity. So, conclusion is, nobody`s perfect, as we all know. but the moral is that we should not always think ( in this case ) outside the box, we should always take a look inside or even guess, as we know this box isn`t empty.

I know I may be thinking too far from the box when I say this but I`ve been actually thinking about death. Am I ready to leave everything behind and face the afterlife? I know when you read this you might end up twitching a little, but this has been my ultimate obstacle so powerful and high in my head. But today, I have finally cracked this barrier in my mind. I believe I have to live life to the fullest. Experience things that might change my life. Death should be the last thing on my mind, keep that at the back of my head. I`ve been wanting to tell people about this but I now understand when Bob Dylan said, it`s a sin, to feel too much within. I`m pretty sure he was talking about love but I think I can apply that quote here.

These are my sudden thoughts. Ponder and live through them`s my job, for now. As I`m clueless. clueless to the core.

Anyway, let me leave you with one word : OBAMAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Self review

When people tell you they changed, for the better, or otherwise, you always know they did a self review. Well, that`s how I call it and I`m probably having one now. I, Shahrul Sufian, have been going through some confrontations with different people and I`ve realised something, there`s a fuc*ing variety of human beings here.

However, I`m not convinced my eyes are open fully. I believe what I`ve found out somehow is just a dot on this huge map of life. A holiday from books and writings made me fucking realise how much I`ve left out about meeting people and socializing. I`ve lost or probably never had the skill of persuasion or changing views. I`ve realised that I`ve been too high up with statistics of my own until I have forgot the responsibility of making people believe. I know it sounds too `high` for a 14 year old kid but I lost it. In this life, I believe there is no point of living if I don`t make a difference. A proper change to probably society or a system. I may not have the spades and brains to do that but I do have the heart.

I`ve also learned that people, whoever they might be, are there criticising/complimenting you. It`s never about you only. Views, opinions get thrown around behind or even right in front of you. What I`ve been trying to learn is to accept these `challenges`. What I do is always commented on, always watched. It`s not about a realisation of being in the spotlight, but it`s a realization about how liberal and free everyone is now. Everything you did/might do can always be questioned.

Society for me, is the most vital part of life in this erm ( I`m afraid of using the word `country` as it`s a big word, but what the heck :D). I think, if one must live in a society, the actions that happen between them must be looked after and if in need, improved. For example, what is a boy my age supposed to do now? I don`t know the answer, because nobody is telling/showing me how. I know I may sound like I`m blaming this on everyone else so let me assure you that this IS an excuse but I do find it as a reason too. When society fuc*s up, when crime and fights bla bla happen, I think its not only up to the cops or doers to be responsible for the stuff people do. I think every household, every mum, every dad, should come to the realization that everyone is responsible for everyone. I think that is the key to a more erm, orderly and ( I took this from the text books) `peaceful` life in society. but I`m still just a kid, ideas change. bear that in mind. hehe.

As I sit in my room and have my quiet moments, I have to admit I`ve been going through a loophole of thoughts. I`ve been trying to think why am I thinking and why not don`t think. I`ve been trying to shrug off these thoughts, thoughts of getting better, thoughts of achieving a goal that I have no idea about. I`ve been thinking of how am I supposed to shoot up through the ranks, I`ve been thinking about what people say about me, I`ve been trying to keep my determination and `rebelliosism` at average. One reason I`ve been bombarded by these thoughts is obvously because I have nothing to do, but the main reason is, like I said previously, the realization of wtf am I supposed to next in life. I`ve always thought, `oh, get ur good grades and u get a good life.` Now things have changed, brains have been squeezed, and hence the sudden need of blogging. haha.

When it comes to Shahrul being in love, it means armageddon. haha im just kidding, but erm let`s face it, this...feeling, this...wonderful disturbance, gotta be love man! haha sorry for erm crapping about BUT my point is, probably I`ve reached the age or maturity to realize (again) about this love thingy has actually put an extra erm..I wouldn`t say a burden but probably a responsibility on my shoulders. and with this responsibility, it seriously (indirectly) helped me understand how am I suppose to take care of not only one`s feelings but many.

This is all I have to say for now. Before I leave, I understand if my opinions may sound stupid or wrong in terms of facts, but I hope the message is crossed. Let me know what you feel by commenting if u got the time. thanks. take care.

A new leaf

As I when thru my previous posts, I may sound maybe too desperate to prove that I`m different now, but erm, I guess I had nothing better to write about, haha. So, erm, my exam`s over and I`m bored, so I turn to blogspot. Basically, I just wanna write about things that I`ve gone thru thus far and erm, probably some of the experiences,ameliorations?is that the word? haha.

So, stuff have been alright, been studying alot lately up to now, where I find myself with absolutely nothing to do, nothing at all. This is where I started reading. I know this may have happened to every student out there but I think this reading thing is a new sort of chapter or discovery of myself. My reading materials are just basic books such as..erm..ceritalah-Karim Raslan, The Malay Dilemma-Mahathir, some thrillers, Rose Red, Crickley Hall, and the Speaking dead (haha). I know novels can`t really open eyes, but I started having this rush to read more and more, it`s not about the book, truthfully, its about the determinationn to learn, I know it may sound cocky, but this is the first time I`ve ever felt the need of expanding my knowledge, the need of knowing something out of my text books, just learning something new la, I guess.

I`ve also started realising about myself erm, in the next few years. I`m leaving school in 2 years and I honestly have no idea what am I suppose to expect, experiences, meetings. Once I realised I`m nothing out there, I immediately panicked, honestly. haha..I realised it was not all about studying, getting good grades and im outta here n get a job n marry n have a family. I have to do something, I have to perform actions that will maybe change society for the better. MAYBE. haha..When I look around at people nowadays, I keep wondering, have they thought what I`m thinking now? Have they ever started to worry of what were to happen to themselves? So, after many discussions, ponderings, I`ve decided to...............enter politics. hahaha its not final but..I do get the rush to be one.

Other than that, I would like to be open about my relationship with a girl, erm, I believe these realisations have come parallel with the feelings I have for her. I admit, I do come weak with her and while I go on this path with a partner, I do tend to appreciate things as they happen. Well, the point is, with her, life seems ( without sounding erm, cute,haha) to pass on well.

So, thats an update. Will get back to you soon, take care.

Clueless by the second

My fears are comfirmed , I`ve been
cracking and now I`m broken, This is
where everything I did is wasted, gone
like crushed crumbs of what was a
cracker. All the challenges, mentally
and physically, has been done for
nothing. Irony too didn`t prove too
late to prevail.

I fell, I can get up, but I realised
that I`m in a deep dark hole, but the
entrance is high up above me. I`m still
finding a way, I really really miss her,
and her absence left a permanent mark on
me. Cuts can be cured, water can dry up,
but the thought can never be erased.

I`m trying my best not to think about
it, but the skin on my face feels so
tight, I broke down again today, I`m
still praying for it to stop, I`m
screaming silently for the pain to just
stop, I ask myself whether this effect
will really wear off, people tell me to
feel feelings that are impossible to
even dream of, sometimes there are glints
of hope, but they just dissappear like
that, so cruelly and mockingly.

Yes, stats are true, but this is how I
feel deep down inside, as deep as you
can imagine, this is the pain that I
constantly feel but you don`t, this is
the screaming infant, sometimes sulking
and then screaming his eyes out and
somehow by the way of nature, the only
was is to just...kill him off.


Yours Truly,

Shahrul Sufian